27 januari 2014

Only in my head


I scream. 
I curse. 
In fact I curse a lot. 
I constantly miscall everyone who only gets me a little bit irritated. 
That colleague that's constantly whining, the teenager who only thinks of herself when she bumps into me, people who make me feel like crap. 
I yell at them with the meanest worsts you can ever imagine. 

But not that you will hear anything. 
No you won't. 
I won't let any sound pass my mouth. 
I scream in my head. 
Only in my head. 

Everything is only in my head. 
Thats my curse. 
I think too much. 
Sometimes I wished I could just live by the day and be happy like other people. 
But I'm too worried. Fear takes over like a silent killer. As the silence before the storm it clouds my mind. Happy thoughts are out or reach. 

Life sometimes feels kind of fake. So many things I did if I were able. Like I must be doing so much, but anxiety paralyzes. I keep on staring at the blank pages before me, waiting desperately to be filled with the most beautiful things, but they remain blank. 

Fear is a lie. 
A big fat lie. 
It is a lie that keeps you far away from your dreams. 
A lie that controls your every move and thought, that makes you feel worthless and empty. 
I didn't mean to scream, I didn't mean to hurt people with words. I'm someone who naturally loves anyone. But there's something in my head, a sickness I need to fight against. 

Seek the truth an you shall find freedom. 
That's what I will do from now on.

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